Crap We Think About. Now it's YOUR turn to do some pondering!
1) In my lifetime,
I'd like to see a weekend retreat for all hunted animals. It would be
held on a fenced off piece of land, and hunters would be shipped in,
minus any hunting gear, for the animals to do with what they desire.
The ivory-tusked elephant can trample a hunter, remove his dick, and
sell it to other elephants as "decorative ornamentation."
Or the bear can shoot another hunter, take him to a taxidermist, and
make the hunter into a redneck-skin rug. Or the deer could maim and
kill still another hunter and eat him for dinner. Pro-hunting assholes
preach that killing these defenseless animals is just "part of
the food chain." Well, the chain works both ways, you moronic,
needle-dicked son of a whore! I say let's give the animals a chance
to prove it one weekend a month. Better yet, let's sell tickets to this
thing! Bring the whole family.
2) Why is it that
when a woman goes to a man with a problem, the first thing he has to
do is try to come up with a solution? All we want is a sympathetic ear.
If we need your advice, then dammit, we'll ask for it! Just shut up
3) Isn't there
at least one person out there who is allergic to hypo-allergenic products?
What if you were allergic to allergy medications? What would you take
to alleviate the symptoms?
4) I wish that
before Warren Beatty married Annette Bening, we could have seen him
on the arm of a very beautiful fat woman.
5) There's "vertically-challenged"
for short people, "hearing-impaired" for deaf people, "sight-impaired"
for blind people. All this politically correct terminology. All this
politically correct terminology. Why are the mentally ill still called
"mentally ill"? How about "reality-challenged"?
And how come fat people are still called "fat", "overweight",
or "obese"? I suggest "gravitationally impaired".
6) Why can't dogs
realize that it's futile to chase their own tails?
7) Shouldn't there
be a pencil-sized dildo for women with pea-sized vaginas?
8) What do the
guys in ZZ-Top do with their beards when they're fucking? Tie them back?
Lie them across their partners' bodies? Wouldn't that interfere with
the fucking? I mean, isn't it foreseeable that one of them will end
up humping his beard?
9) I'd really like
someone to invent a scooter for immobile people that can easily maneuver
around corners at your favorite supermarket AND go full-speed at 95
MPH on he interstate (See The Varmint on our "Products"
page!). Imagine being passed by an 89 year-old man on an electric scooter.
To make things more interesting, don't enclose them like cars. Leave
them open, just like the current models of scooters. And screw a standard
safety belt. That across-the-lap strap thing will suffice. There should
be more FUN on the highway!
10) Just once,
I'd love to see Martha Stewart close a segment of her show by holding
up an injured finger and saying, "It's an infected thing!"
11) Larry was the
least appreciated of the Three Stooges.
12) If we, homo
sapiens, are the most superior species, why is it that dogs can
lick themselves and we can't?
13) I'd like to
go to a grocery store with two friends, one male and one female, and
walk up to the cashier with the following items: whipped cream, one
cucumber, one banana, one jar of Vaseline, one jug of Crisco Oil, one
box Preparation-H, one box of condoms, and a can of Bactine. I'd love
to see the look on that cashier's face.
14) You know those
fountains at the mail? The ones you throw a penny into and make a wish?
Where does all that change go? I've heard it's donated to charity. I
say "bullshit." Just once, I'd like to have five minutes to
climb into one of those fountains and grab all the pennies I could.
If I couldn't do that, I'd like to throw cash into the fountain while
cackling like an idiot in front of a small crowd of people. That would
15) I'd like to
go to a funeral home, view a corpse, and discover a huge zit that the
Mortician missed. If I felt really ballsy, I'd try to pop it--in front
of the family.
16) Something I'd
like to see: The return of the "Big Wheel", equipped with
driver's side airbag, anti-lock wheels, and 200 decibel clown horn.
17) Something else
I'd like to see: A cockeyed salesperson demonstrating the many fabulous
uses of the Ginsu Knife Collection.
18) Once at a "Loverboy"
concert, I threw press-on fingernails at lead singer Mike Reno. I don't
know why. Guess I was just a really "special" kid.
19) Go to a "Backstreet
Boys" concert while infected with Mononucleosis. Buy a large soda.
Take several sips, then pass it along the thirsty crowd. You'll enjoy
the show, 'cause you'll be asleep, plus you'll put several hundred preppie
teenyboppers out of commission for at least six weeks. Hey--it's just
20) Ever have to
puke while you're taking a crap? You're on the pot, right? So where
do you puke? I suggest next time you find yourself in this predicament,
catch the puke in your hands. No need to make a mess.
21) Most all fat
people are beautiful. Don't screw with us. We'll kick your asses!
22) Do you work
at a fast food restaurant? Why not have some fun on the job? Order some
Fat Whacker or Fat Destroyer (one of those damn products that supposedly
gathers excess fat from the food you eat into a greasy mass). Dump the
entire contents of the bottle into the frying vat. Watch what happens:
COOL! Now remove the fat mass and spread it on the hamburgers. Tell
the customers it's your restaurant's new "secret sauce."
23) I anxiously
await the creation of the "My First Boner" Ken doll. It should
be anatomically correct and have a button on its back to push. Press
it once and "boiiiiiiiing!", Ken's got a bone of his own!
The release of this doll should coincide with the distribution of the
"My First Period" Barbie, who will come equipped with tiny
little pads and tampons. Add ketchup, and let the pubescent fun begin!
Pull the string, and a PMS-ravaged Barbie will call Ken a "cocksucker".
I've got both dolls on reserve, myself.
24) You never see
a woman with a French pedicure.
25) I'd really
love it if a contestant on Jeopardy! got the question wrong,
yelled, "Oh, goddammit all!" and stormed off the set. Needless
to say that guy wouldn't participate in Final Jeopardy! that night.
And while we're on the subject of game shows, I'd like some smart ass
to go on Wheel of Fortune, tell Pat "I'll spin", and
then proceed to do just that--spin in place while shouting "WHEEEEEEE!!!"
26) If a normal-legged
woman wears a pair of pantyhose, does that mean that an amputee wears
27) In the midst
of every Saturday lies a turd...Think about it.