The Crap We Think About. Now it's YOUR turn to do some pondering!

1) In my lifetime, I'd like to see a weekend retreat for all hunted animals. It would be held on a fenced off piece of land, and hunters would be shipped in, minus any hunting gear, for the animals to do with what they desire. The ivory-tusked elephant can trample a hunter, remove his dick, and sell it to other elephants as "decorative ornamentation." Or the bear can shoot another hunter, take him to a taxidermist, and make the hunter into a redneck-skin rug. Or the deer could maim and kill still another hunter and eat him for dinner. Pro-hunting assholes preach that killing these defenseless animals is just "part of the food chain." Well, the chain works both ways, you moronic, needle-dicked son of a whore! I say let's give the animals a chance to prove it one weekend a month. Better yet, let's sell tickets to this thing! Bring the whole family.

2) Why is it that when a woman goes to a man with a problem, the first thing he has to do is try to come up with a solution? All we want is a sympathetic ear. If we need your advice, then dammit, we'll ask for it! Just shut up and listen.

3) Isn't there at least one person out there who is allergic to hypo-allergenic products? What if you were allergic to allergy medications? What would you take to alleviate the symptoms?

4) I wish that before Warren Beatty married Annette Bening, we could have seen him on the arm of a very beautiful fat woman.

5) There's "vertically-challenged" for short people, "hearing-impaired" for deaf people, "sight-impaired" for blind people. All this politically correct terminology. All this politically correct terminology. Why are the mentally ill still called "mentally ill"? How about "reality-challenged"? And how come fat people are still called "fat", "overweight", or "obese"? I suggest "gravitationally impaired".

6) Why can't dogs realize that it's futile to chase their own tails?

7) Shouldn't there be a pencil-sized dildo for women with pea-sized vaginas?

8) What do the guys in ZZ-Top do with their beards when they're fucking? Tie them back? Lie them across their partners' bodies? Wouldn't that interfere with the fucking? I mean, isn't it foreseeable that one of them will end up humping his beard?

9) I'd really like someone to invent a scooter for immobile people that can easily maneuver around corners at your favorite supermarket AND go full-speed at 95 MPH on he interstate (See The Varmint on our "Products" page!). Imagine being passed by an 89 year-old man on an electric scooter. To make things more interesting, don't enclose them like cars. Leave them open, just like the current models of scooters. And screw a standard safety belt. That across-the-lap strap thing will suffice. There should be more FUN on the highway!

10) Just once, I'd love to see Martha Stewart close a segment of her show by holding up an injured finger and saying, "It's an infected thing!"

11) Larry was the least appreciated of the Three Stooges.

12) If we, homo sapiens, are the most superior species, why is it that dogs can lick themselves and we can't?

13) I'd like to go to a grocery store with two friends, one male and one female, and walk up to the cashier with the following items: whipped cream, one cucumber, one banana, one jar of Vaseline, one jug of Crisco Oil, one box Preparation-H, one box of condoms, and a can of Bactine. I'd love to see the look on that cashier's face.

14) You know those fountains at the mail? The ones you throw a penny into and make a wish? Where does all that change go? I've heard it's donated to charity. I say "bullshit." Just once, I'd like to have five minutes to climb into one of those fountains and grab all the pennies I could. If I couldn't do that, I'd like to throw cash into the fountain while cackling like an idiot in front of a small crowd of people. That would be fun.

15) I'd like to go to a funeral home, view a corpse, and discover a huge zit that the Mortician missed. If I felt really ballsy, I'd try to pop it--in front of the family.

16) Something I'd like to see: The return of the "Big Wheel", equipped with driver's side airbag, anti-lock wheels, and 200 decibel clown horn.

17) Something else I'd like to see: A cockeyed salesperson demonstrating the many fabulous uses of the Ginsu Knife Collection.

18) Once at a "Loverboy" concert, I threw press-on fingernails at lead singer Mike Reno. I don't know why. Guess I was just a really "special" kid.

19) Go to a "Backstreet Boys" concert while infected with Mononucleosis. Buy a large soda. Take several sips, then pass it along the thirsty crowd. You'll enjoy the show, 'cause you'll be asleep, plus you'll put several hundred preppie teenyboppers out of commission for at least six weeks. Hey--it's just a thought.

20) Ever have to puke while you're taking a crap? You're on the pot, right? So where do you puke? I suggest next time you find yourself in this predicament, catch the puke in your hands. No need to make a mess.

21) Most all fat people are beautiful. Don't screw with us. We'll kick your asses!

22) Do you work at a fast food restaurant? Why not have some fun on the job? Order some Fat Whacker or Fat Destroyer (one of those damn products that supposedly gathers excess fat from the food you eat into a greasy mass). Dump the entire contents of the bottle into the frying vat. Watch what happens: COOL! Now remove the fat mass and spread it on the hamburgers. Tell the customers it's your restaurant's new "secret sauce."

23) I anxiously await the creation of the "My First Boner" Ken doll. It should be anatomically correct and have a button on its back to push. Press it once and "boiiiiiiiing!", Ken's got a bone of his own! The release of this doll should coincide with the distribution of the "My First Period" Barbie, who will come equipped with tiny little pads and tampons. Add ketchup, and let the pubescent fun begin! Pull the string, and a PMS-ravaged Barbie will call Ken a "cocksucker". I've got both dolls on reserve, myself.

24) You never see a woman with a French pedicure.

25) I'd really love it if a contestant on Jeopardy! got the question wrong, yelled, "Oh, goddammit all!" and stormed off the set. Needless to say that guy wouldn't participate in Final Jeopardy! that night. And while we're on the subject of game shows, I'd like some smart ass to go on Wheel of Fortune, tell Pat "I'll spin", and then proceed to do just that--spin in place while shouting "WHEEEEEEE!!!"

26) If a normal-legged woman wears a pair of pantyhose, does that mean that an amputee wears a pantyHO?

27) In the midst of every Saturday lies a turd...Think about it.