SSN Products Now Available. 1-555-SCUM-BAG
Click on the product name to read its description & price:
| Blue Wackidoo Slurpy Machine |
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| Famous Anus Expansion Ointment |
Are
large turds lodging themselves in your anus when you defecate? Is
anal sex too uncomfortable? Now there's a solution: SSN's Famous
Anus Expansion Ointment. Just a pea-sized amount expands your anus
to a full FOUR inches in diameter, making defecation and/or anal
sex a breeze. Bet your ass, you'll love it! |
| Lickity Split Assorted Flavored Condoms for Oral Sex |
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You
want to be safe during oral sex by using a condom, but you end up
sorry when the taste of latex hits your palate! That's why SSN came
up with these tasty protective alternatives. Available in Cha Cha
Cherry, Bigtime Banana, Orgasmic Orange, Lay-me Lemon, Gotta-have-it
Grape, Hottest Fudge, Virgin Vanilla, Rhubarb, and for the especially
health-conscious, Tofu! Please specify size when ordering: Teeny
Wiener, Perky Peter, or Giant Johnson. |
| Amy & Steph Blow-Up Dolls For After-Hours Fun! |
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| Steamy Curls Pubic Hair Rollers |
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| Coy-Tilt Beaver Trimmer and Muff Design Maker |
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It's a trimmer!
It's a design maker! It's like nothing you've ever seen! Yes, SSN
has done it again, partnering with lawn and garden gurus Coy-Tilt
to create this fabulous, innovative pubic hair grooming system.
Not only does the Coy-Tilt Beaver Trimmer trim up those straggly
pubes on both women AND men, it also comes with a patented teflon-coated
stencil kit to buzz beautiful designs and/or cute messages in your
muff. REALLY say "Ho! Ho! Ho!" at Christmas with the adorable
Santa Claus stencil, or give your mate a true Halloween treat with
the jack o'lantern stencil. The kit also includes the letters of
the alphabet, so you can spell out "Happy Birthday!" or
"Sorry about your test results" in your beaver with ease.
Act now and we'll include Lincoln's Gettysburg Address stencil at
now additional charge! |
| "I Can't Believe It's Not Fungus!" Press-On Nails |
Depressed
because all of your redneck friends have the glamorous look of fungus-laden
nails and you don't? Well, stop rubbing your fingers against your
gym's shower mats! SSN is proud to introduce "I Can't Believe
It's Not Fungus!" Press-on Nails. So authentically yellow,
brittle, and peeled, your manicurist won't even be able to tell
the difference! Order now and receive a free box of "I Can't
Believe It's Not Fungus!" Press-on Toenails. |
| Bottle O' Blackhead |
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| Crack Attack! Butt Scratcher |
Out
in public with an annoying butt itch, but don't want to embarrass
yourself or your loved ones by scratching? Get SSN's new Crack Attack!
Butt Scratcher. This innovative, forked device clips discreetly
onto the waistline inside your pants' or skirt's backside. Press
the handy remote control button on your Crack Attack! keychain,
and scratch that itch away! |
| Varmint, the Turbo-Charged Highway Scooter |
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Alas, our really fat or otherwise immobile friends! You've seen those TV ads for wussy scooters with maximum speeds of only 15 mph, right? What good are those when you can have the Varmint Turbo-charged Highway Scooter. That's right! Now you can easily shop in your favorite stores AND floor it on the highway with a top speed of 95 mph! This ain't your Grandma's scooter--but it can be! Order one today for the amazingly low SSN price of $200.00. |
| POW! America's Favorite Fart Lighter |
Picture this: You're at a Frat party, drunk off your ass. You decide to impress your pals by lighting a fart. You position yourself. You can feel the gas easing steadily into your colon. You let a big one fly, flick your bic, and *DUD*--a measly two-inch flame. Don't let this happen to you! Get POW! America's Favorite Fart Lighter. Slightly larger than a Zippo, POW!s two butane-filled chambers, along with a special patented "pre-gassed" methane chamber, produce monstrous flames up to ten feet long (depending on the fart)! Great for parties, luaus, and Fourth of July Celebrations. You can even roast marshmallows and weenies! Get one today. POW! AMERICA'S FAVORITE FART LIGHTER: $10.00 |
| White-Be-Damned Teeth-Rottening Toothpaste |
Do
your pearly whites make you stand out like a sore thumb at family
reunions? Or are you just plain sick and tired of the blinding glare
caused by that perfect suburban smile? Enough already! Say "White-be-damned!"
with SSN's White-be-damned Teeth Rottening Toothpaste. Step One:
Order a tube. Step two: Upon arrival to your mobile home, mark the
date on your calendar. Step Three: In just two weeks, you'll notice
a marked difference..Your teeth will turn four shades grayer! Plus,
the painful ache of cavities will tell you that White-be-damned
is working. Made from 100% pure cane sugar and chocolate, it makes
brushing a truly delectable taste treat, too! When it comes to YOUR
teeth, White-be damned!--so order yours today! |
| Bodacious Bone Penile Enhancement Spray |
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Is
your partner getting bored with that limp noodle you call a penis?
Better still, do YOU wish for a more delightful dong? Well, giddy
up with SSN's new Bodacious Bone Penile Enhancement Spray! Just
two quick sprays prior to intercourse will return your manhood to
its pubescent glory days. Stop envying the others--get a bone of
your own today! |
| VagiVice Muscle Contracting Cream For Loose Women |
Childbirth
left you loose as a goose? Or were you a slut in the days of yore?
Whip those flabby PC muscles into shape instantly with SSN's Vagi-Vice
Muscle Contracting Cream for Loose Women. Just a dollop a day will
give those oh-so-important muscles their pre-promiscuity and/or
pre-childbirth vice grip! |
