Scum Shopping Network--Sports


SSN Prepares for the 2000 Scumolympic games to be held this august

Yes, it's been four years already! When August rolls around this summer, it will bring the second scumolympiad with it. The games will be held at SSN West in Arizona beginning August 1, 2000.

Why Arizona and not South Carolina? "First of all, the last games were held in South Carolina, dumbass," said chairwoman Stephanie Granado. "Secondly, we want it to be as hot as Hades out there. If people aren't sweating, smelling, and/or passing out, it's not the Scumolympics!"

The Scumolympics do not spotlight the world's top athletes, per se. Rather, Hollywood's scummiest stars participate in such events as long-distance channel changing, roller humping, the four-legged hobble, loogie hocking, spitting for distance, tae kwon scrote, inibriated projectile vomiting, and advanced naked oil twister.

Proceeds from the games will benefit PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the ASPCA (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). Tickets to all events go on sale June 1 and can be purchased by dialing 1-555-SCUMBAG.


2001 Will Bring the First Annual SSN Assmasters golf tournament

Scum Shopping Network President and Part-time hostess, Amy Schultz, announced yesterday that the year 2001 will not only usher in the true new millenium, but also the First Annual SSN Assmasters Golf Tournament. The scum celebrity event will be held each year the second week of April.

"This is not going to be your average stuffed-shirt golfing affair," assured Mrs. Schultz.

What an understatement! According to Schultz, Assmasters golfers will be required to arrive for play each day under the influence of alcohol. In addition, "to make things more interesting and exciting", each player will be wearing SSN-issued slacks implanted with an explosive device that will detonate if the golfer does not position AND hit the ball within fifteen seconds.

"That's the worst part of golf," Schultz said, "waiting for these a**holes to position the ball. Then they've got to do that psyche-you-out swing thing with the club. Finally, two or three minutes later, they actually hit the damn ball. Enough of that crap! When you play in the Assmasters, you better be ready to move it--or else!"

To get yourself on the waiting list for Assmasters tickets, call 1-800-SCUMBAG.