Scum Gossip

Your guide to what's happening in the lives of America's Favorite Scumqueens!

Week of May 15-21, 2000

REPORTERS: Virginia Pubus and Vas Deferens.

 

SSN Shocker! Wyle weds "Sesame Street" Star Big Bird By Vas Deferens

"ER" star Noah Wyle stunned the entertainment world when he exchanged vows with "Sesame Street" fixture Big Bird on May 6th in Santa Ynez, California.

The event was attended by the Muppet elite, including Grover, who told SSN "I didn't even know Big Bird was dating. Heck, I didn't even know that Big Bird was female! Well, I guess this explains that relationship with Mr. Hooper way back when."

Wyle, 28, and Bird, "thirtysomething", had somehow managed to keep their relationship a secret for three years. The two met on the set of Wyle's 1997 film "The Myth of Fingerprints" where Big Bird moonlighted as a makeup artist.

After the couple shared "I-do"s, guests showered them with bird seed, which the bride promptly snapped up with her long beak. A lavish reception followed and the crowd applauded as the Wyles fed each other pieces of earthworm wedding cake. Hours of dancing, singing, and educational fun took place before the bride and groom left for their undisclosed honeymoon amidst a flurry of tossed crutons. As the couple was whisked away by limousine, SSN had a chance to get some comments from some of the Wyle-Bird union attendees:

"What a very strange couple. I give them two years, tops. Two, two beautiful years! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"--The Count

"I really hope they enjoy the rubber duckie I gave them."--Ernie

"The wedding was very nice, but, dammit, they didn't serve FLIES!"--Kermit the Frog

"I hate weddings! Why the hell am I here? Happiness sucks! I do love SSN, though."--Oscar the Grouch

"Big Bird's beak should make for a verrrry interesting wedding night. Waka! Waka! Waka!"--Fozzie Bear

"WORM CAKE! WORM CAKE! WORM CAKE! WORM CAKE!!"--Animal

The Wyle-Bird wedding was brought to guests by the letter "S" and by the number "2".

 

Granado Promoted! By Virginia Pubus

Not even three months into her full-time job selling blinds, SSN Vice-President and part-time hostess, Stephanie Granado has been prooted to Store Manager at an undisclosed blinds dealership "somewhere out west".

"I really didn't think I had a f**king chance!" a jubilant Granado exclaimed. "The position came open and I applied for the hell of it. Now I am Queen of Blinds! You must bow down and kiss my butt!"

Although Mrs. Granado has no previous management experience, she says she is confident in her ability.

"I'm going to be the best damn manager this place has ever had! No screwing around will be tlerated. Well--I can screw around all I want, 'cause I'm, like, the boss now and stuff. But if I catch any of my employees screwing around, they're fired! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!"

Mrs. Granado assumed managerial duties Friday, May 12. We here at SSN News wish our co-leader all the best in her new position!