SSN President has a real job! By Vas Deferens

Yes, It's a shocker..after months--hell, YEARS!--of trying to find a decent-paying, full-time job that she actually ENJOYS, SSN President and part-time hostess Amy Schultz has landed a position as Assistant Producer of New Media (a glorified name for "web designer") for her local newspaper.

"It's funny, " said the chief scumqueen, "I just got a hair up my butt one day and decided to scratch it by emailing the New Media director. I told him I wanted to get my start in web design professionally, and that I could really use some advice as to how to do just that. There happened to be a position open at that time, and he set me up with an interview. I was hired the next day! These people know talent when they see it, and they just couldn't pass me up."

Schultz began work Wednesday, June 21. Insiders tell SSN News that the position pays "a good starting salary", has lots of opportunities for advancement, and has some "righteous medical, dental, & vision benefits", along with free classifed ads and discounted movie tickets.

When asked how she likes her new job, Schultz replied, "Oh, it's terrific! I'm doing what I love to do and getting paid for it. The parking sucks, though. New employees have to park, like, a 1/4 mile away. And I'm fat, see. All my weight is in my gut, so being on my feet for more than five minutes--literally--kills my lower back. So right now, Scummom Arlene is acting as my chauffeur until I can figure out how to park somewhere much closer. Dammit, I'm the scumqueen, you know?? They should make special arrangements for me. Corporate bastards! But, hey, I'm happy to be there!"

And WE'RE happy, too, Mrs. President!

Granado Promoted! By Virginia Pubus

Not even three months into her full-time job selling blinds, SSN Vice-President and part-time hostess, Stephanie Granado has been prooted to Store Manager at an undisclosed blinds dealership "somewhere out west".

"I really didn't think I had a f**king chance!" a jubilant Granado exclaimed. "The position came open and I applied for the hell of it. Now I am Queen of Blinds! You must bow down and kiss my butt!"

Although Mrs. Granado has no previous management experience, she says she is confident in her ability.

"I'm going to be the best damn manager this place has ever had! No screwing around will be tlerated. Well--I can screw around all I want, 'cause I'm, like, the boss now and stuff. But if I catch any of my employees screwing around, they're fired! FIRED! FIRED! FIRED!"

Mrs. Granado assumed managerial duties Friday, May 12. We here at SSN News wish our co-leader all the best in her new position!